just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
