We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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