dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
