I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
