I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
