Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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