You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
