i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
