Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
