Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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