I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
