I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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