Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
