SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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