I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
