we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
