Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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