we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
