Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
