Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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