I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
