nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
