remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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