im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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