did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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