I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
