So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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