Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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