My hand turned me down
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
