We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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