I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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