We won't sleep together?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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