My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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