I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
