We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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