Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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