Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
