my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Who put my cat in the fridge?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
