the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
