Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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