Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
