Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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