I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is Oprah even human
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
