Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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