Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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