this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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