My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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