i need an iv and a liver transplant
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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