My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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