its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
